I’m working on the little me right now. I decided to dedicate around 21 days to refamiliarize myself with who I am and who I want to be.
But before I can figure out who I am today, or who I want to be in the future, I feel it is important to go back to who I was as a little child.
This is a personal journey so it is possible that I will not share this with anyone.
One of my assignments in this amazing workbook is to have a picture of myself with me at all times. I have pictures of my family, friends, and people who inspire me. I also have pictures of myself as a kid but sparsly scattered. I have not ever really decided to hold a picture of myself in my wallet or purse, or pocket, or phone case. But I have decided in order for me to begin to remember who I was as a kid, I need a visual.
So for 2 days I held that picture. Each time I opened my phone case, I saw my cute little self. The picture I chose is of me as a kid dressed in (mass appropriative clothing). My adoptive mother was the biggest appropriator. She thought that she was entitled to every culture, religion, and creed. She therefore taught us that it was ok to wear people’s lives and cultures as a costume.
So there I sit…not the happiest camper in the world. I was bored out of my mind. My white sister (who is not seen in the picture) looks equally bored and sleepy and tired. We were little. So little I can’t seem to remember the event. But if I look at the surrounding area, I believe we were at a school event. I think I was 6 years old.
Today I am faced with the assignment of journaling about my feelings. So I will. So I do.
On this day I feel pretty low-key. When I think about myself at that age, I realize that I had already, by the age of 6, received sexual comments, racial slurs, and racism from the people around me, and those within my adoptive family. I can’t even begin to anticipate what the next 18 years is supposed to look like living in that country, with those people.
Adoption is supposed to give us a better life….that is what it promises in the pamphlets, and yet, at that age, I had NO IDEA what was to come.
When I look at that picture, I think about how in my head I knew something was not right. I was not supposed to be with them. I was not supposed to be taken from my family. And yet, was I better off?
At that age I can see deep into my soul, through my big brown eyes how sad I was. Did I cry back then? I know I stopped crying because crying meant i’d be ignored.
I was so little, at yet so mature, I didn’t get a chance to be a child emotionally. My stature stated I was a kid….a baby really…but my mind was off wondering why the black man told me he wanted to crab my pussy. The first time I had hurt my body parts be named this. The first time I had a grown man tell me about my body parts….and he was not part of the family I was growing up in.
My hair was short because my adoptive mother didn’t want to “deal” with it. My hair always felt like a burden to them.
How do I feel on this day? With this assignment…I feel I am being given permission to grieve the innocence I lost at the age of 6.
Im on day 3 of reparenting myself and i have to admit it has been a bit rough.
Day three is asking me to ask myself if i can trust my own instincts. I honestly think i can but it does not come easy.
I grew up in an environment where i was told what to do whetr to go and how to act. And any time i felt a certain wayi was told that what i was feeling was somehow wrong. So i believed i never was smart or good or strong enough for anything.
Now as an adult obviously im strong anf am no linger under the oppressive thumb but as a child i grew up scared all of the time.
Do i trust my pwn internal compass? Absolutely. Going NC helped me to have faith in myself and trust myself. I don’t feel guilty as often anymore and i love who i have become inspite of my upbringing.
On this particular day i am being asked to create 3 affirmations for myself. The booklet has given me 4 examples and now i am being asked to create three of my own.
1. I am smart
2. I am strong
3. I am good enough
Growing up, i never felt any of these things. I was told i was beautiful but only in an exotic fashion. I never felt smart cuz i was always competing with my white sister. I never felt strong or good enough. But i AM all of these things and more.
I have failed to reparent myself using this guide consecutively but im back. Day five focused on reversing negative self talk. This week that is my main focus.
In day 6 i’m asked to write of a good time in the little me voice. The event i want to write about involves the teenage me. I think i was about 13 ot 14 years of age when i danced with the boy of my dreams. I felt very nervous and my body was doing things i could not explain. I wore a white turban and a beautiful white long dress. I felt so pretty and so sexy. And then he asked me to dance. When i felt his finger tips, i was smitten. There was magic and i felt my heart beat faster than it ever had before. I was finally dancing with the person i was madly in love with. In that moment, nothing else mattered… the abuse the sadness, and the confusion was erases i. That particular moment. In that instance. I was in heaven.
Re-parenting myself has proven to be more challenging than I thought. I’m behind a few days but have hit a little over a week of content reflection work.
What does my little me need?
This is one of the hardest question to answer because for the entirety of my childhood, no one ever asked me that.
I believe that where we are now is a result of what has or has not been done to us.
So i think my little me needs to stop being afraid of rejection. Rejection at times can be “ok” but my little me needs to stop seeing it as something negative and horrific and “bad” because then she never learns to mature.
As an adult, I see rejection as a way to grow…as a forcible option changer. But as a kid…because it was prominent in my life, rejection was the devil…rejection was the enemy…..rejection was…..what I saw in the mirror….a reflection of everything that is not right.
Part of re-parenting myself means I get to think about the hobbies I enjoyed as a young child. I feel that as a young child, I didn’t have many “hobbies” per say because much of what I did was timed to a T-and orchestrated by my N-mother.
But I can remember I really enjoyed singing. Eventually in college I joined a band and was the lead singer and guitar/mandolin player. I also loved making jewelry which is something I do today. Every bit of money from the items I make goes to helping adoptees find their voice.
Their/our voices are important and many adoptees have to learn to re-parent themselves in order to move forward.
Thank you Tali Love as usual for continuing to open my eyes.
Finding the quote was tough but thinking about my hobbies made me feel a bit lighter.
Today on day 10 my job is to reminisce on her personality before she was told who she was. I have to admit, doing this is tough because I supposedly was an orphan. So I don’t know what my personality was. I came into this world loved by my birth parents and I left their arms hated by my adoptive parents.
I was told to change very young. I think I was about 3. I was trafficked so from that moment on I was supposed to be this prized possession. I was forced to be white in ways I could not even imagine. In my head I thought I was white but the body and race never lies. So at a young age, I had to change. My demeanor was quiet and happy but it become sad and alone. I had people around me all the time but I was still alone. I was lonely. I didn’t have people who looked like me, who reflected me. The only people who looked like me were under my white adoptive parents. It made a huge difference in my life.
The abuse caused me to hide myself. Emotional, Spiritual and sexual abuse forced me to hide myself. To get myself back I must say “no more” to the abuse. My plan to get myself back has to do with not allowing myself to be associated with abusive people.
Not allowing myself to associate with people who are going to tear me down. And only letting those who embrace who they are and who I am to be a part of me. Going through this 21 steps is amazing. Thanks Tali!
5/29 talks about how I get to dream again. What were my dreams as a child? I don’t remember. I’ll have to come back to this one.
5/31-took me a couple of days to figure what it is my dream was. BUt it clicked. My dream for so long was to find my mother. I never found my mother but I found her sister (my aunt) and that has made part of my dream complete.
I have also always wanted to live in a tiny cute house with a dog and a place to call home. I never wished for kids really or really to be married. I wanted to always live a life of solitude. My dream was also (as I aged) was to bring my oldest to the US to give her the life I actually never had in so many ways. It didn’t work out like so many other things in my life. But, another little human came along and I feel blessed to be raising her in the life I never had. By august, if everything goes well, she will be a US Citizen, affording her travel right, and citizenship rights I never received. She will have so many more doors open to her. My dream was to do all of that, some way, some how. When she becomes a US citizen, I would have arrived!
We are back to positive affirmation which i love and hate at the same time. For so long I was just ready to give up. I hated myself and I hated everything about me. And then I discovered writing.
Ever since I learned about the power of words, I realized I could write about who I am and what i have gone through. This writing would not just impact me but it would impact those who read it.
One of the positive things I will say to myself today is “My book will make it to the Top”. Because I know with enough readers and a great amount of positive feedback, it will rise to the top.
I want everyone to know who I am, and what i have gone through. I want everyone to be aware that it does not end just because a narc says it ends, or society hates you. It ends when YOU want it to.
5/31- I spend my life blaming the system, my adoptive parents and my biological parents because I believe at the core, it is not my fault. And then there are days I blame myself for not being good enough, strong, enough, smart enough, pretty enough….the list goes on and on.
So today on day 13 I get to journal from my inner child’s perspective. I get to thank my internal mother (myself) for focusing on negative self talk reversal.
Today I wanted to go down that dark path of destruction, possibly kill myself…for sure hurt myself. But I came to the realization that I am worthy to be alive. I got to speak with my biological grand father who is a smart and amazing person, and I got to speak to my adoptive parents who for the first time in his entire life apologized for what he did.
It pains me to know that all this happened to me, but I feel relieved. and i also feel fortunate that the mother in me kept me from doing negative self-talk.
I am worthy enough to be loved and I am also worthy enough to have a voice.
I am also amazing and I will make it.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I am stuck one a particular day. I’ve been stuck on it for like 6 days. I struggle with the “what do I want?” Who and what do I need to fulfill this reality?
This is hard for me. Dreams? A future?
I grew up in a setting where it was planned for me….I had no say, or thought of my own.
I was told by my adoptive mother “you were born in the mud of haiti’s soil and you will die in the mud of haiti’s soil” which to me meant the only thing or person that could save me was herself.
I don’t think I ever really had any for the future. I never dreamed of a white picket fence with 2.5 kids and a husband who brought home the bacon. I never dreamed of wearing a white dress and being swept out into the sunset by the man of my dreams.
I think my dream was to find my birth family. And I have.
But what do I want? I feel stuck at times. I am a techy person so I always want the latest gadgets…but will those “go” with me once I am dead? No!
What do I want?
I want to change this world, I want to change how adoption is done. I want my US citizenship (something that has been denied to me for so many years) I want to make a difference in someone’s life….not just virtually, but IRL.
Thank you Tali Love for continuing to push me more and more.