3 strikes and you’re out is NOT what happened last Sunday


Which makes me sad. I went through several different emotions. One was surprise. I was actually surprised that the first thing on Sunday morning that would greet me would be an expulsion from the admin group of a group I cherish and love.

No “good morning,” no “how are you?” No care really.

I woke up Sunday morning to a message that stated that I had carelessly added people to the admin group and this is why I was being removed.

So actually, I get it! If someone were to add people to a private group where we discuss the ins and outs of the day, in order to strengthen the group and make it better for Adoptive parents all around the world, I would be very very pissed off. So I get it.

This is why I would never do something like this on purpose.

This adoption group has treated me well. I have no qualms about it. When I was removed from the Hair to love multicultural Families group, I told an admin member about it and immediately the troops were mobilized. They backed me, they supported me and a prominent member even blogged about it. They called them out on their behavior and subsequently removed the two people who had treated me so poorly. This was so heartwarming. I felt supported. I felt positively engulfed in love. I was surrounded by positivity. But is love conditional? Even among adoptees?

In a way, I think yes; when it comes to protecting what is sacred.

And that is how it should be. Adoptees, supporting one another. Trusting one another. Not giving the white person the benefit of the doubt.

Intent Vs Impact right? We teach this in our groups. We teach White Adoptive Parents and other adoptive parents that their intent does not matter, what matters is the impact. So I guess that is what happened with me. Except, in the real world, adult (especially those who have so much in common) would ask what happened, give a warning, and then remove if the problem persists.

This is not what happened. I wanted to break down the conversation for everyone reading. I wanted you all to know that I did not leave the actual group because I was angry, I left because I felt I had nothing more to offer. In the admin group, I compromised the privacy, and the security, and for that YES, I should be removed-for a period of time, or put on probation. I even suggested the probation component (I don’t believe I did in the personal message) But I got no response.

It is clear that one or two people run the admin group and everyone follows suit. I remember the private admin group, and loved it because we got a chance to share our heart along with crack jokes to make us feel better after a post went wrong. It was where I went to breathe; it was my oasis in the Sahel.

So why did I compromise this sacred place?

Excellent question!

And all I can say is that it was an honest mistake. I had thought I was adding people to my personal group and I had also thought I was adding people to TRA-NEVER to admin. It was around 11pm I believe and I thought I was adding people to my personal group-to grow it a bit. I thought it was strange when I could not add a particular person and I didn’t think twice. I just ignored the fact that facebook would not let me add a particular person but didn’t think twice because the other two were added without a problem. It was not until Sunday morning that I learned (from the message I was sent) that I had added them to the private confidential group.

I feel so much was lost in translation.

Here is the conversation below. I did my best to obscure names as no one needs to know who these people were, because it is enough for them to know.

Conversation and some notes: (click on images and you should see my notes)

One of the biggest things I noticed about this conversation is how many times I went back and forth with what happened. And I understand fully how this can be seen as lying. But, I was truly confused and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Did I purposely added people to TRA admin? NOPE!! When I did should I have reported it? ABSOLUTELY….except, it didn’t register that I had added them to the ADMIN group. I was a moderator, not an actual admin. So I didn’t have permission to add anyone. But I did have permission to add people to the overall group whom I thought were ready or “trusted”. They would still be vetted, but they would not go through the longer process. At least that is what I understood as a mod. Whenever there was a “Request to Join”, I ignored it and let real admin take care of it. This occurrence is definitely Shitty and I blame myself. But I want you to read the convo so that there is no “confusion”. 

I remember growing up and wanting control over my own life. So I acted out. Adoption is a lack of control over what happens to you, when where and why. But I will not be that person. I will always speak my truth and then leave it at that.

Come what may!

I know I will probably be unfriended by several admin in that group, maybe even blocked, and that is ok. I won’t unfriend, nor will I block as it is not my place to shut out a brother or sister’s voice.

Maybe some APs will remove me from their list. And that too is ok. But I will be speaking my truth and I will continue strong in the group I created about a year ago. The group is called Adoption, Race and its Complexities discussion group. You can find it on facebook and request entry. I will also be deleting my Nooma Consult facebook profile so feel free to request to be in the discussion group. I also have a youtube channel called Honest Adoption Talk  and a podcast.

I will remove myself from TRA as I have nothing left to offer. All my videos and pictures will also be deleted from the group and those that can’t be deleted by me, I would hope that admin does the right thing and removes them for me.

If anyone needs some consulting, you know where to find me. You know how to find me. And I will be there for your adoptees. I promise!

After my mistake, I went and removed myself from about 7 other groups. I knew that being in so many groups is what caused this honest mistake in the first place. I was careless. It is too much. I also never want to make that mistake again or hurt another group of my own people.

You can choose to believe whichever side you would like to. Because you know there is more than one side to every story. But I figured it was only fair that I put my voice out there. It is my right as the rightfully accused. This way you know both sides of the story.

There are no hurt feelings anymore. On Sunday I did cry because I was more confused as to how this could actually happen. And though it was said that “admin decided”, I received messages from some admin saying “I did not choose to remove you” so I knew that there was more to the expulsion and that only a few people (or two) decided.

One admin approached me and said they were out of the loop and did not know what went down. But then I was told by another admin that yes, they in fact did know what went down. So I don’t know what the truth is; but instead of speculating, I sit with maybe both options being true.

Another admin messaged me asking if I wanted them to speak on my behalf. I turned this person down because I knew it was no use and it would be only wasted breath. I just made sure I shared my thoughts and that this does not happen to anyone else who pours their life into being a crutch for others.

Did I speak to facebook friends about the situation? Yes! These sorts of things are not meant for one to deal with on their own. Were some of the people I spoke to WAPs…..and APs….yes…because I have friends who are WAPs and APs. I have no shame. Most of the people I spoke to about this unfortunate situation were adoptees, people who could somehow relate to how I felt.

I think what saddens me the most is that even though none of us have met in real life, we all had a connection. I had spoken with several admin over the phone and some even speak to me frequently-non adoption related. I felt like I was part of a family. One that could not be taken away.

I was also saddened to hear that I was being spoken about as if I was some horrible person. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion about me and who I am as a person. But I can be sure that the last thing I am, and ever will be is fake or a bad person. So if my voice is really important, or valued…..hear this clearly!

This small occurrence will not keep me down. I will Rise!


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3 Responses to 3 strikes and you’re out is NOT what happened last Sunday

  1. Jodi Friesen says:

    After a break from TRA, I went back a week or two ago and noticed you missing. I’m so sorry to hear what happened. I will be coming here to read, because I miss your voice!

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