After much thought and conversation with great Adoptive parents, and after being informed that some of their kids have very little interest in their culture, language and country, despite all efforts.
Here are my thoughts on this:
Abandonment vs theft/wrongful removal.
Abandonment pertains to a family for one reason or other abandoning their children in some way. Some kids feel that they were abandoned….”why could they not care for me….why was I not good enough? What was it about me that they could not keep me. Why did they keep the others but not me…” the questions go on and on.
Theft/Wrongful removal is removal due to coercion, trafficking, the selling of babies and the like.
So, for me, I knew there was something not right. My mother did not “give me up”, i was stolen from her. And I felt this at the very core. I never really felt abandoned (based on standard definitions), I felt wrongfully placed. So my desire to know what happened, and to be a part of them overshadowed my need to “Forgive them for giving me up” if that makes sense.
Kids who feel abandoned (Depending on the narrative they receive from APs, agencies, own relatives) may not want to reach out because well, they feel they were unwanted.
So APs….think through these thoughts above…and think about the narrative you are sharing with your kids. It may be an age thing, a maturity thing, or a temperament.
I think of our daughter and how she does not seem to have a “Desire” right now but I don’t know if she feels abandoned…that is a conversation that needs to happen. I also know that she grew up with me and her mom until about 12 years of age…living with me during the week but spending weekends with her and the family so I think it is slightly different. I can’t speak for her though.
The kids who are quiet and complacent in some ways and obedient are the ones we need to watch for the most….because often they are the ones who have pent up anger, frustration, confusion.