sometimes I wish I was still in the fog

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know my birth family. I feel blessed to know them, to have “some-kind” of relationship with them.

But it feels weird. I am filled with adoptee guilt.

I don’t see them often, because I don’t know what to say….I don’t know how to act around them. In my mind, I still doubt that they are real.

I feel that they think the reason I go and visit is only for me….only so that I know more about me, about my family. So there is that!

I feel that when I go and visit (and i know my aunt wants me to visit more often) I have little to say, mainly because of the language barrier, culture barrier….the list goes on.

My sister is back in the country and she is 7 months pregnant. I’ve been invited to the baby shower….and yet, I have no connection.

I want to do a DNA test with them but culturally it can be seen as very offensive, so I am not sure how to approach it. I just need 100% proof….in adoption, there is never 100% proof.

I am not looking for “pity” or “i’m sorry” or suggestions. I just want you to listen. I’m an adult adoptee….i’m educated, I’m loved by my community, I am loved by my immediate family…..and yet there is so much emptiness.

Adoption permanently separates.

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