I hate that some days I wake up and I am fierce as a lion while other days I wake up and I curse the maker who created me. I get angry because I don’t know how it is that I am still alive.

What is my purpose?

It’s not the obvious 5 reasons I’m anti-adoption today….

1. Loss
2. Inability to attach
3. Inequality
4. Erasure of first life
5. Fear

It’s the ups and downs that hurt. I know I suffer from depression, my real mom was really depressed which led to her suicide.

But today I’m not doing so well. Today is one of those days that I am angry….i’m sad. I’m upset, I’m mad. Though I have loved ones around me, I feel lost, and afraid…I feel confused.

Many times I wake up on those not-very-good days and I ask myself why I have not just taken my life by now. Why am I too chickenshit to do it?

Is it that I am chicken shit or is it more. Is there more to it?

Do I have the right to make others sad, angry, and alone?

What keeps me alive is not my desire to be, but its the overwhelming feeling of love from my wife, child and dog. It’s knowing that these beings love me so much. I have a reason to stay alive, even if life does not favor me.

I have to put up this front not for my wife, but for my daughter. She knows that today will be my first day going to see a therapist. And like she said this morning before she walked to school “Yay mom, how do you feel about it? When will you be back?”

I am not sure if she knows what going to the therapist means. 

Do I tell her I’m broken?

Do I tell her I’ve always been broken?

How honest should one be with a teenager who is also dealing with emotions related to her own adoption?

Today I’m lost, and as tears run down my face while typing, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself. I want to stop having every aspect of my life be related to adoption.

I hate adoption today. I hate it so much. I hate it because everything I say, do, or don’t do is directly related to being taken from my real parents.

When you are little, you don’t see how it relates. But as you grow up…it hits you like a ton of bricks.

Some adoptees are oblivious to the fact that everything they do is related to them being adopted. And yet, that is what we know.

Today I’m anti-adoption and I know it goes against the flow and that is ok. 

Today I am anti-adoption because:

1.  people in my facebook groups tell me they are learning from me, and they want to learn more but they want it for FREE. Always for free. And there are times that I offer services for free, but there are times I need the money too.
2. people in these same facebook groups say they are learning from me and other adoptees but then they continue the process of taking a child from their real families.
3. one day these kids who are adopted may be in my shoes; feeling helpless, hopeless, and eager to be some place where there is no pain.
4. when the therapist asks me about my family history today, I’m not going to be able to say very much.
5. when I was at the doctor’s office last week my doctor asked me questions about my physical health and if my family had any history of this or history of that and I had to remind her that “I don’t know” to which she said “oh yes, I remember now, you were adopted.” Like it is no big deal.
6. when I have quiet or down time, I think about my real family.
7. people tell me “look to the future”….FUCK THE FUTURE….let’s live in the present….and the present is me being an adoptee, trying to reconfigure the past and figure out what brought me to where I am today.
8. my lack of motivation today stems from me feeling worthless, stems from me wanting to know what possessed Christian white people to adopt me, stems from me wanting to know why my adoptive parents didn’t wait to find my real family before trafficking me.
9. there are adoptive parents just waiting to have their baby of their dreams and they don’t really care about the baby
10. those who want to know more and are learning, still don’t FUCKING GET IT.
11. I was adopted but I didn’t have to be.

Today I’m anti-adoption, and not for the normal reasons that you think.

Today I’m anti-adoption, and my heart breaks for those who are pro-adoption.

Today I’m anti-adoption, but tomorrow I will not be pro….

I may be somewhere in between.