Thursdays in May
I first realized I liked girls when I was in the 6th grade. My best friend at the time was in the same grade as I was and I was over at her house playing with her dolls.
We often played games having to do with who would be the mother and who would be the father. I always was supposed to dress up like the man. So I did. I took my role as the man and we were “husband and wife.”
One day we were acting out our roles and she asked me to get into bed with her. So I did. It was weird and I did not know what to really do. I had already been molested a few times before that point and I knew I wanted something to come out of that time in bed with her but I really had no idea what to expect.
She told me she wanted me to get on top of her, like a husband does. And so I did. The door was closed but her mother was home. She was in her room in the air condition, drinking.
Her mother was an alcoholic and her father slept around. He ended up fathering a child with the maid/nanny several years later. We always knew something was going on between them, we just didn’t know what.
As I moved on her in the room where we were playing husband and wife, she told me to put my finger down there. So I did that as well. I stuck it in for only a few seconds and that was enough to make us “husband and wife.” I was scared and nervous and had no idea what that mean for our relationship. Were we will going to be friends after it all?
I was scared she would no longer talk to me. I felt a bit like I hurt her, even though she asked me to touch her down there. We were both trying to just do what we though husbands and wives were supposed to do.
I liked what I was doing though. I felt her skin and I felt her body and I knew I liked it. Maybe it was because it was something we both talked about doing. Maybe because what had happened to me when I was younger was something that the person who hurt me and I didn’t talk about doing. I didn’t want his breath on me. I didn’t want to hear his voice. I didn’t want his penis anywhere near me. I wanted nothing to do with him.
But this girl I was playing mom and dad with, we both seemed to agree that is what we wanted. And yet we too were so young.
Did I hurt her?
I am determined to ask her one day.
I have not spoken with her in years and am wondering if there is hurt in her. Does she feel that what we did was wrong? I want to ask her and I want to know if we can still have a friendship.
I like girls.
I knew I liked girls when my best friend and I “played” parents. I was the man and she was the woman and I was supposed to touch her in places that men could/would.
I like girls.
Her hair, her smell, her smile. I was in love with it all.