How does it feel to be adopted? November 6th 2015
Chapter 23 by Mae Claire
As a child I could never understand what it meant to be adopted because though I was experiencing it, I had no one else really to speak to about it. Being adopted comes with many questions and when you add the word “feel” you are adding a whole other layer to this very complex family life we call adoption.
Personally, adoption can embody many different feelings because it really just depends on your environment. If you are the only child in the house, and adopted, you are going to feel slightly different than if you are in a house with more siblings who are also adopted. But if you are the only one adopted, but you have siblings who are not adopted, you are walking into a lifetime of judgment, joy, pain and hurt.
Let me explain:
I was 3 years old when I was adopted by Americans who had one biological child of their own at the time. As a black Haitian, there were several things wrong with this picture. First, the color. Though I was living in a country of my own color, I was living with an adoptive family who did not share my hue. How does it feel to be adopted? It feels as though I was out-of-place.
As I got older and adjusted to my new white life. I learned to speak the English language well (with no accent) and I was grafted into a lifestyle that I would otherwise may not have known had I not been adopted by this particular family. How does it feel to be adopted? I want the accent I lost.
Part of me was lost. My brain was reshaped and reformed into that of my adoptive family. I lost my language, my culture, and who I was. I was becoming white. I was leaving behind my DNA-the instrument that brought me into this world. As a teenager I struggled because I was not afforded everything my siblings were. The biological children definitely had first choice and their voices were heard; all the time. I was expected to be silent, thankful and grateful. My a-mother had it in her mind that as a black girl, I was strong and I could take certain pain better than her own children. So I was treated as though I “could do it.” How does it feel to be adopted? I feel marginalized, judged, and held to a higher standard with more expectations because of my color.
In college I thought I was white. And in reality, I probably was one of the whitest black people there. My a-parents wanted me to go to a “diverse” school and at the same time, they didn’t want me to be diverse. They didn’t want me to learn to think for myself. They wanted me to shut up and obey. I remember bringing home a “C” in one of my classes and they threatened to pull financial support. My sister who was in college at the same time was bringing home “Ds” but she was coddled and told that “it was ok.” How does it feel to be adopted? It feels like I owe them something for putting me into college, for giving me a life that I otherwise may not have had. It feels like I will always owe them my life as they supposedly saved me from the mud.
I found out I was adopted pretty quickly. It is quite obvious when your a-parents are white and you are not. All it took was a look in the mirror. All it took was my a-mother saying to friends and family “and these are my natural kids….and this is….” Was I not natural? Maybe I was good friends with an actual stork. They did try to keep in contact with my birth family but at the same time, they didn’t care…or they thought that I didn’t care. I always felt scared to voice how I thought about them because I was afraid of upsetting my narcissistic a-mother. So I never said anything. How does it feel to be adopted? It feels conflicting.
My birth mom died when I was a teenager and my APs told me one day at the dinner table. I cried, but not much. I didn’t know her. After all, she was just my birth mom. Nothing more. But I wondered time and time again where I got my looks. Why were my eyes so small? What was up with my high cheekbones? How does it feel to be adopted? I feel as though I am disconnected and not able to function until reconnected to the socket of life. It feels unreal.
I found my biological siblings over Facebook in my mid to late 20s. I was afraid at first and thought “Oh my gosh, is this a horrible joke?” My a-mother had told me that they all had perished in the 2010 Earthquake in Haiti. How she knew that, I don’t know. She always claimed she was God’s right hand woman. I spoke with my brother for a bit then had to take a break because it was overwhelming to think that a small piece of me wanted to reconnect. They were alive and wanted to know about me; the one who “got away.” To prove he was my sibling, he took pictures of letters my a-mother had made me send him when I was a child, and uploaded them to Facebook. I knew there was no doubt that he belonged to me. How does it feel to be adopted? I feel unbalanced, uneven, ultra-curious.
Part of being adopted is becoming one with a family who will love you forever and in return, I would love them forever. As I grew up, I realized that maybe I will not love them forever. Too much hurt, too much pain, too much judgment. Too many expectations have landed me in a ditch I can’t seem to dig myself out of. Every infraction and maltreatment has made that ditch deeper and deeper. Without a ladder, there is no hope. But I did find hope; I found hope in my own children I fostered, and eventually adopted. For every time they called me “mom,” I was able to climb one step higher up that ladder until eventually I was out of that diabolical hole. How does it feel to be adopted? It feels like being in a black hole.
Being adopted comes with not knowing much about your past. And when your APs choose not to share it with you, you are even more in dim silence. I came across my adoption papers as I was trying to find a copy of my birth certificate and I found the case study. As I read through it I saw a section that talked about my mental state, my physical state and my emotional state and how I should be cared for in order to improve all of the above. But that is all I know about my medical history and I am finding this out now? I feel scared not knowing anything about my medical history. What will I pass onto my biological children if I choose to have any? Instead of helping me through these temporary setbacks, my a-parents made them so much worse by withholding food from me, telling me I was fat, and physically comparing me to their biological children. My a-mother psychologically abused me by forcing me to believe that she was God’s right hand lady. When I was sexually abused by other foster children who came and went, my a-parents looked at me as though I “wanted” it. How does it feel to be adopted? I feel like a pushover, a doormat, insignificant, and slow.
As an adoptee I feel I have a sixth sense (I believe all adoptees do) because I learned to be hypervigilant about my looks, my feelings, and just about everything else. I learned to answer correctly so as not to cause a stir. But I also see through people. When I love, I love deeply. When I am angry, my anger seeps out of me. I learned for so long to keep it in. I learned for so long that I was the “lucky” one and that I should be thankful. The funny thing is, I am thankful. I am thankful that I am alive and I am thankful that I serve a mighty God. I am thankful that I can speak about my experience and help APs all around the world become aware that people like me do have a voice. How does it feel to be adopted? It feels wonderful. It feels horrible. It feels complicated. It feels confusing. It feels sad. It feels like I don’t just live on one side of the tracks. I live on the tracks themselves. It feels like a breath of fresh air as I am able to open my eyes, connect, relate, and understand not just those who are like me, but those who are not.
It feels REAL!
RBNU Adult Workbook
Let’s Go DEEPER APs.
These are questions that match chapter 23 for Rainbows But Not Unicorns. Answer them to the best of your ability! Be truthful, honest, and open. Reflect Reflect Reflect!
How Does It Feel to Be Adopted?
A few people ask them this. Very seldom does their family.
- Have you asked your child how it feels to be adopted?
- Do other people ask your children how it feels to be adopted?
- What does adoption mean to your child? Explain.
- How do your children feel about their birth parents?
- When they ask about them, what is your response?
- How does it feel to be a parent of an adopted child?
- Ask your child how they feel being adopted, then write down their exact response. If they can’t verbalize it, they may draw a picture instead in the box below.
Are you interested in reading more of this book? Doing more of the exercises? If so, contact me directly at email@example.com (I will personally sign the copy you purchase through me) or you may purchase the book and workbook at the two addresses below!
Let’s grow together for ourselves, but mostly for our adopted children.