The only gain in adoption is from the APs side. I say this because this is something the APs have been wanting for ever….infertile-go buy a baby, want a rainbow-go pick a child from a catalog and watch them grow up until they are legally YOURS, rich and famous-go take a child from another culture to keep up with the standards of the rich and famous, Jesus follower?-go save a little orphan with a fly on its nose,…..the list can go on and on.
But the Birth parents lose their kids….and when their kids grow up, it is not the same and it will NEVER be the same. You cannot go back and pretend everything is as it was. Time freezes when the child is adopted…and forever they are that age.
Adoptees grow up to be adults and begin the search just to find that at times they are blamed for splitting up the family…as in my case, my siblings wanted my life, they were jealous….they claimed I had a “better” life….when in reality, I had a horrible life. They are rich in spirit, grace, and money….currently, I just have the “money” part and I’m not even really rich. They got the benefit of growing up together, even through the really hard times. Love kept them together. Money kept me apart.
What people don’t realize is that adoption really does SUCK. And yes, it can improve someone’s life….but it sucks to look the part, but not know your lines….EVER in the play of life. And then you reverse it, you live in your AP family, and you know your lines but you can never look the part….EVER.
Adoption is the most selfish thing an AP can do to an adoptee. I’m not saying that there are not instances where it is absolutely not needed-when EVERYTHING ELSE has been exhausted…..i’m not saying the intention was not good, and loving…but what many APs forget (and what we are trying to teach them) is that adoptees grow up. We grow up to be beautiful people who have no real place in this world. We grow up to not know the language, the culture…we grow up to tasting the food we should have been eating all along. We grow up to be surprised when a POC wants to date us…we grow up being surprised that there are others in our shoes. For the most part, we grow up to be sheltered, and to live in a fog.
For some, they know immediately that there is an issue, for others it takes 20, 30, 40, 50, 60+ years to realize they have been living in the fog. and once you hit 65, it is too late to go back and find what belonged to you because most likely the people no longer are living.
APs think that once the kids is 18, they are done, they did their “best” and that is it. They leave them out of the will (or someone who is biological will try to), they pretend the kids are still kids. I’m 37 and my APs still see me at the frozen adoption age……we never grow up for them…you know why? Because APs can’t save adults……they can only save children and babies…..they want to forever believe they saved us so we remain children and babies….it appeases their soul while we live in torment. Even the government sees adoptees as children. This is the way the system works…the government played a role in “Saving” children….and while they rejoice and celebrate this horrible month, we recoil, and cry, and miss, and long for, and desire, and create a disconnect, and cut ties, and cut our wrists hoping it will lead to eternal something….we grieve the loss of our family-even if we have great adoptive parents.
We long for a connection forever….even if our birth parents are not great people…..we sit in our jailed selves, trying on a new mask that will somehow hide our desire to want what we will never ever have……it will never be the same.