I did it! I called my adoptive father(AF). I was dreading this moment ever since I found out that he was violated by my narcissistic adoptive mother(AM) and her boyfriend.
It killed me to know that my AF went through such a horrific experience. But I understood where he was coming from.
I knew what it felt like to keep a secret for so many years. I finally broke out and told my story while at the same time thinking I created a schism in the family.
But what I really learned in the past year is that I was not responsible for the impending schism, I just happened to be the one to speak my truth.
When I wrote my first book, my APs went AWOL. I spent the last 6+years hating myself and blaming myself for the family’s problems. I felt that everything in my book incriminated them and that it was not my place to “air their laundry”.
But life had to go on. I met someone, moved to the US, got married and have two amazing daughters (not in that order). I’ve received therapy, written more books and am now the proud owner of my own consulting business.
I did move on. I did forgive for myself. But something was still bothering me at the core. I knew there was something that was still very unclear.
- Why would my AF cave so many times?
- Why would my AF support such a narcissistic woman?
- Why would my AF stay silent when abuse was being administered?
And then I learned that the reason he couldn’t say anything was because he was blackmailed. He was also forced to participate in something that forever changed his life.
So for the past 15 years he has been hiding a deep dark secret.
So I called him today. I worked up the nerve to call him and speak with him.
I told him that I was aware of what had happened and that I am here for him if ever he needs to talk.
I also told him that all his kids are grown and that the narcissist woman has nothing over him anymore.
Throughout the entire time I was speaking with him, he was silent. He was listening.
He thanked me for my offer of being a person he could talk to. And then he said something that tells me that everything I learned was true.
“You need to let it go”.
I told him that letting it go does not mean it didn’t happen or you don’t forget. I told him that everything that happens to us, on the daily, affects us. It’s how we respond to it that matters.
He also said “it’s water under the bridge”…..he is not denying what happened. He didn’t deny anything. In fact, by him saying that we need to let it go, he was actually affirming that what I had learned was true.
I told him how much I loved him no matter what. I love him because even though he hurt me in so many ways, even though he allowed his wife to hurt me, and even though he could not grow balls and speak for himself, he suffered and had to keep a secret.
He then said “and I love you very much too. I hope you know that.” And I told him that I never doubted that he loved me. His actions rarely showed he loved me but I know that in his heart, we had a bond that to this day can’t be broken.
I hope that he takes me up on my offer. He needs someone to speak to. He can’t keep pretending that he is “fine”.
I told him he can be free. I gave him permission to be free. Maybe that was all he needed, someone to believe in him, someone to tell him he does not have to “stay” under this insane person.
I am here for him…even if he was not there for me when I went through suffering.
Maybe it was because no one was there for him.