After having an honest conversation with a son of a missionary family I was not surprised to see his reply. It saddens me to think that people are willing to believe the rainbows and unicorns myth and are “ok” with drinking the kool-aid. Ignorance breeds ignorance and often times many Christians believe that their “calling” is more important than finding a way to preserve family.
This conversation may be triggering to some. My thoughts are in blue:
How is the adoption going?
Um, slowly. My parents probably know more details than I do though.
Ah ok. I’m an adoptee and I’m actually against adoption but I know how long your parents have been in it.
I am a firm believer that children should stay with their biological family.
and that adoption is not the answer to poverty because poverty is not a disease
but I’m also very much aware (I knew you when you were little) that your brother has been living with you since very little and your parents have done right by him.
It is important to understand the complexities that come with adoption in general and understanding that will help your brother flourish.
Well his mother threw him away. Literally. We have worked very hard and understand the complexities, but (child) is flourishing, and doing very well. He is just as much my brother as (biological brother).
are you speaking for him or for yourself? I don’t doubt how much you love him. In adoption, love is not always enough. I was told as an adoptee that I was thrown away, just to find 37 years later that I was not thrown away at all but i had people looking for me. I speaking to you as an adoptee, and know that you are now an adult and can think for yourself. My parents were missionaries too so I understand what it is like to grow up in a missionary family. I happen to really respect your parents but I’m speaking from an adoptees perspective here; and i know I’m not the only adoptee who feels this way. It is easy to believe that his mother literally threw him away, and that may be the case, but if it is possible for his extended family to raise him, that would be the best for his language, culture, and roots.
you guys have already been raising him for quite some time so “returning” him is not an option nor do I believe it would be good for him at all. But I’m just speaking to you from an adult adoptees point of view. He is little right now and when he is older, he may not feel the same way he does now.
I would encourage you to join the TRA Facebook group. It is a very encouraging adoption group that primarily focuses on transracial adoption and how black children growing up in white families really struggle even if they don’t verbalize it when they are young.
and when i speak about complexities, I’m not speaking about the steps it takes to adopt, I’m speaking about what it feels like to be adopted. It is extremely complex
(child) is six. He has asked questions about his birth mother, but cannot wait to get to the United States and meet the rest of his family. Family is not biological, it is more than where or who you are from. I live 3000 miles from my parents and I have a family at my school, people who care about me and my well-being. Support, love, care, that’s what family is about. (Child’s) biological mother told the story herself and she admitted to getting rid of him. She has thanked us for loving and raising him. She says she would not have it any other way because she can see how happy he is. I know what the love of a brother feels like from biology and it is no different from the love I get from (child), and no different from the love I show him. He is becoming someone who loves to learn, he is smart, athletic, healthy, constantly joyous, and growing everyday. I am no fool and understand the complex issues he will deal with, but one of my best friends in the world is adopted, and he loves his parents no differently than I love mine. I do not value your opinion and I’m not sure why you have chosen to contact me. A child is better with a family who values and cherishes them than an abusive family, or one that attempts to get rid of them. I’m sure you are a nice person but I would prefer you not to contact me ever again, and it would be wise for you to never mention these ideas to my parents or any other adoptive families in this area or abroad. For people who are trying to give their children, children they love better lives it is disrespectful. Good day.
Chat Conversation End
And then he Blocked me so I could not respond.
Here are some thoughts in blue that I would like to highlight for Adoptive Parents raising children who are not biological to them, and who are of a different race. And then my questions are red and italicized.
(child) is six. (Already the child does not have a voice and is being stifled) Do you feel that children at the age of six really have an option of what they should be ok with and what they should not be ok with? He has asked questions about his birth mother, but cannot wait to get to the United States and meet the rest of his family. (This statement gets me. Why can’t he “wait” to get to the states? Because he has been told a story that is better than the life he is living now.) Does this child want to leave the life and country he knows for a life and country he only sees no TV and hears about from his adoptive family? Have you created a fairy land for your adopted children? Family is not biological, it is more than where or who you are from. (I agree with him here, but that is not the point of the conversation) I live 3000 miles from my parents and I have a family at my school, people who care about me and my well-being. (This is where the conversation becomes about him) Support, love, care, that’s what family is about. (Again, I agree with what he is saying here, but the topic is not about family, it is about the complexities of adoption) What is he afraid of here? Why is he defending family when the topic is not about family. (Child’s) biological mother told the story herself and she admitted to getting rid of him. (I’m curious how they have had contact with the bio mother and getting her to admit that she threw him away. Even if this were true, how does this mean they should care for the child and not someone who is part of his culture and his language ) She has thanked us for loving and raising him.(This angers me…..I feel here she may have genuinely thankful in front of the white people, but what if she wants the child back. The child has a physical handicap and maybe she could not care for the child.) Do these people judge the child’s mother for throwing him away? Do you judge the birth mother for giving up the child you have? Do you have a list of excuses as to why the child is better off with you than with an extended family member? She says she would not have it any other way because she can see how happy he is.(I want to know if SHE will not have it any other way or if THEY would not have it any other way. I smell coercion “look at the life we have given him, this is why he should stay with us). What lies have you told yourself about adoption? I know what the love of a brother feels like from biology and it is no different from the love I get from (child), and no different than the love I show him. (again this becomes about the person I am speaking to and not about the child’s feelings. Being six is very different than being 12, 15, 20, 40, 60…. He is thinking that I am attacking his ability to love a person who is not biological to him. And the truth of the matter is that there IS a different love but that is not the point of the chat. He deflects and does not want to hear what I am saying as an adoptee. He would rather listen to someone say “you rock, way to go white savior!) At what point as an adoptive mother have you not wanted to hear the truth about adoption and adoptees? He is becoming someone who loves to learn, he is smart, athletic, healthy, constantly joyous, and growing everyday. (No one is doubting the child’s abilities, and the fact that in spite of being “thrown away” he is flourishing. And no one is doubting the good that has come from the adoption. The conversation is not about how he is being treated, it is solely about how he may feel when he gets older.) How often do you attempt to highlight the child’s achievements instead of think about whether he/she may be hurting or uncomfortable? I am no fool and understand the complex issues he will deal with, but one of my best friends in the world is adopted, and he loves his parents no differently than I love mine. (I found this interesting. He has to verbalize that he is NOT a fool and yet all the defenses above proves otherwise. And then he has to insert his token adopted friend who may or may not be being honest with him about how he really feels about being adopted. The friend may also be same-race-adopted or step parent adopted or adopted through a family member so the feelings may differ. Again, the conversation was not about love.) Have you used a “token” someone to justify why you feel a certain way? I do not value your opinion and I’m not sure why you have chosen to contact me.(This is the best part. He does not like that I asked him questions. He does not like that my experiences does not match what he was told and taught. He does not value my opinion because it is not a “god bless you and your family for taking a helpless child”. My opinion is not popular. ) At what point have you decided to NOT value an adoptees experience/opinion? A child is better with a family who values and cherishes them than an abusive family, or one that attempts to get rid of them. (Again, I agree with him here, but the topic is not about what the family has done…it is about the complexities of being adopted…and being in a white family. To me this sounds like rhetoric. It does not sound like what he believes himself but more-so, what he is told to believe from birth. Have you deflected the questions asked by adoptees? Has that helped your situation?I’m sure you are a nice person but I would prefer you not to contact me ever again, and it would be wise for you to never mention these ideas to my parents or any other adoptive families in this area or abroad. (This is interesting…sorta the sandwich method. First, let me clarify…..I AM NOT A NICE PERSON if you think that being nice is telling you what you want to hear. I am an honest person. Notice how he used nice instead of honest. This is ironic because Christians should want to seek advice from people on how to be better parents, and better people. They should seek to understand and not to be understood. Here I was, reaching out to his foster/adopted brother and he made the entire chat about him and how good his family is, how they saved this little kid. Let’s talk about me being “advised” not to contact. I guess I could take this as a threat but I will not. What will they do, kill me in the name of Jesus? I’m willing to die to speak my truth and keep other kids from experiencing what I and so many other adoptees have been through. So I WILL lay down my life for that. I also sense a great deal of fear from him. He believes my thoughts will what….anger his parents? Make his parents sad? He thinks my lived experience will what…..anger others, scare them, make them sad? Truly it is clear that he really does not have God on his side if he is not willing to listen and reach out to those who can best be there for his adopted brother. Truly God is not on his side if he has so much fear about another perspective on adoption.How easy has it been for you to be so offended by someone else’s view on your “saving grace” that you give them advice on how to behave around a certain topic? For people who are trying to give their children, children they love better lives it is disrespectful. Good day.It is interesting here how he thinks my views and me asking questions, and talking about the complexities is disrespectful. I am wondering if I were to bring up the possibility of his son being gay, if the child would be disowned, unadopted, no longer part of the family. It is disrespectful for me to share my lived experience. The “good day” is equivalent to a secular “fuck you!” He does not want to hear what I have to say. What exactly is disrespectful? The fact that I am an adoptee? The fact that I asked him questions. The fact that I am only for adoption when absolutely necessary? The fact that I asked him questions he can’t fully comprehend? APs, do you ever consider an adoptees perspective on their lived experience and on their life to be disrespectful? Think about why this may be the case….are you fearing that maybe you did something wrong?
At the end of his “schpeal” he blocked me. This means he needed to take control of the situation. He needed to feel that he shut me up. He needed to feel like he was the white man controlling the adoptee. Is this the way he is when his adopted/foster-brother tries to speak up? Does he silence his brother? Does he expect only “good talk” from his brother?
Adoptive parents…when your children speak up, do you silence them by “blocking” them?
When this kid’s parents began the adoption process, I was by their side…I gave them encouragement, I gave them emotional support. I even gave them advice. They never wanted my advice….I had a lawyer who was guiding me through the very same process, but they were too “holy” to let me help them.
Their journey no doubt has been rough but it is all in the name of a higher power. This adoption is not about the child at all. It is about the fact that the child’s mother abandoned them and “how dare she”. It is about them already raising the child so they deserve to have him.
What is love when you are willing to defecate on a birth mother’s choice/decision, say that your love for the child is exactly the same as your love for a bio sibling or kid, say that you love this child more than their birth family could ever, insult the child’s country of birth because they can’t get the adoption done soon enough, fast enough, efficient enough, and then use God to justify your ungodly mentality?
In the end, even though he is not happy with our chat, I know he will think about it. He has blocked me on Facebook, but the conversation is still there, in his messages. He may sit with the joy knowing that I can’t respond to him in this moment. But he will hopefully also think about how him blocking me is equivalent to his brother growing up, wanting to express himself and then being told “we saved you” good day!