I am on year 4…or is it year 5, that I have not spoken with my parents. It really is a sad situation. I think to myself “how could this have ever happened?”. This happens to other people, not me.
But as I live my life…. sans them…. I realize that it was inevitable. If you are a life conscious person, you would have realized, from day one, that there was trouble.
The first time I caught my mother with another man I about pissed all over myself. I didn’t know really what was going on, I just registered that this person was not my father.
I resented her forever for that. But what makes me resent her even more is the fact that it continued, over and over and over again. He became my father’s “brother” therefore us being asked to call him “uncle”, and then he became my mother’s business partner, and then he just become a “friend” of the families. It goes on and on and what I didn’t quite understand was the changing. There was always a new role for him.
I think this may have been a way to get us to not think about the sexual component of their relationship. But I felt that I was the only one who was aware. I know now that I was not the only one, but I am the only one who will speak up.
It was the speaking up that got me disowned. But I had to. Is my life better now that I said something?
Living a lie does not just hurt the person lying but it hurts everyone around them. I could not wake up each morning and pretend that life was fine-as they did. I could not look at this man with the same eyes, or dote on him like my mother did, and my sisters do…and my father? What?!! he too doted on him.
Maybe he is ok with this, and I do not judge his lack of balls when it comes to another man taking his wife-sexually, emotionally, spiritually, but I could not keep trying to explain to my friends why there were 2 men and 1 woman living at my house.
“Are they your parents? All of them?” They would ask….confused as I was.
“yes, I mean…no…I mean…” I mustered.
But it was all a lie….and this is the lie that I spoke up against.
People divorce on a daily basis. It is no longer a big deal. Being gay does not break up or destroy the sanctity of marriage, divorce does. But at least divorce, for what it is worth, is understandable.
What breaks up the sanctity of parenthood is the sneaking around, the lying and the full range of constant shit being shoved under there.
Living in my house was pure agony…not because I didn’t “love” my family, but because I felt that they didn’t love me. My mother was always on my case about being too fat, or too dumb, or too slow…or too bossy…. oh man, does the list go on.
My father was rarely home as he moved to live in his office about 25 minutes away. My sisters were always out…doing what they do…. avoiding any confrontations or situations they found uncomfortable. And I was always grounded for not living up to my mother’s expectations of me. I could never please her.
So I declare today…. I will no longer love those who do not love me. I will no longer associate with people who don’t help me grow. I will no longer be that shoulder to cry on, only to not have one to cry on. I resign myself to the fact that I will NEVER be part of my adoptive family again, as much as I wanted to a couple of years ago, even with the crap going on, I no longer desire it. I will get nothing in their will when they pass on to the next life. Things will never be the same….and you know what? That is ok! Because the most important thing in your life is family, not liars!