I just realized that I forgive my biological mother. I also forgive my biological grandfather. The last time I spoke with him, he admitted he was too hard on my mother and forced her to make decisions she really regretted.
The story is long, complex, and it would take several pages to catch you up on how and why I was “stolen”/adopted. But to make a long story short, I was taken from my birth family and raised by some strange people.
If you take time to go back and read some of my other blogs, you will have a clearer picture. Suffice it to say, it has taken decades for me to accept the fact that I am an adoptee and I had nothing to do with this decision.
In some ways, I have been blessed and privileged but i’ve lost so much.
My 23 year old niece contacted me for the first time today and told me her story and how she grew up. It involved a lot of pain, theft, and drugs. But, she says she is now healed as she was blessed by a Christian group who helped her deal with what she suffered. It is her story to tell, I just give you keywords to follow.
She mentioned the importance of moving on and forgiving. That, of course, triggered me as anyone I encounter and share my story with seem to think I have not “forgiven” or moved forward.
Ironically, i’ve done exactly that. It is just not always visible. Forgiveness does not mean you forget about what happened to you. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened to you is “ok” now. Forgiveness does not mean you return to those who hurt you.
Forgiveness is also different for everyone. For me, it is loving from a distance. There will never be a good enough reason why people suffer. There is really no religious consequence or secular circular reasoning. It just is. Life just is.
I realized I have always forgiven, but I keep up my boundaries because boundaries keep us both safe and out of jail.
I will admit, it has been hard to forgive the yte folx who stole me because they had power my bio family didn’t have. Money, color of their skin, connections….etc. They had a level of privilege that coerced the situation. Also, they were in denial and a list of other things.
But as for forgiving my biological family….that happened a few years after I learned what actually happened. I love them and yet, I struggle to let my guard down. It is difficult to start where we left off….in fact, there are too many years lost. We can’t resume life….we need to do a hard reset.
But I think it is easy for me to do a hard reset since I was the one taken. It is nearly impossible for them to do a hard reset because there are many of them and just one of me. See, they lost just me…I lost all of them. That makes a huge difference when it comes to understanding family separation. So for me, I am constantly reintroducing myself, while they do it just once.
With this new baby, I’m looking for opportunities to share him and expand his circle. He is still real young but not too old to be loved by many. But before I can start letting other people love him, I have to love them…even if it is at a healthy distance.
My niece taught me something beautiful today. She took time out to listen and understand me.
This is what I am working on doing for them. I owe this to my son.